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Sunday, May 2, 2010

Mama...

I was sad. I got frustrated and annoyed and get filled with hatred and anger everytime the thought of God took my mum away flashed through my mind.

After pondering for quite some time...

Mama and Ilya

Now, I realized that, He lent mum to us. Allah borrowed mum to us for us to feel her love and care. She showered me with love for the past 20 years. Isn't that enough? At least, God didn't take her on my birthday. He took mama 22 days after my 20th birthday. He took mama after she received the news that I passed my referral exam. At least, Allah bagi aku nikmati semua (kasih sayang) tu utk 20 tahun. That's much better than people that didn't get the chance to feel their mums' love. No offense to anyone. That's just what I feel. Thinking more on the bright side, at least, God didn't take dad away too. He left abah (dad) with us longer than mama. Maybe coz He knows that we can't go on in life without abah at the moment but we can live without mama now. Maybe now it's time for mama to rest. I thank God for this. Mum, if only u know what I feel. I love u. I miss u. U will always and forever be in each of our (the family) hearts.

Me with mum, dad n bb

I hate it thinking, mama used to ask me to help her in the kitchen, but I rarely took the time to help her. I was too busy with FB, playing games, etc. Now, I take hours to prepare a dish. Padan muka saya (Suits me well). Malas lagi. Kan dah kena (That's what I get for being such a lazy ass) :( I often being reminded of her everytime I cook. Yesterday, I cooked red sago. And my hands grew tired of stirring the sago. In the stirring process, my childhood memories attacked me. I used to cried out loud, being such a baby, being spoilt, I ordered mum to cook for me. To cook me this red sago. She just smiled... I never knew it was that hard. Now I know... Marah2, suruh cepat sikit, tapi mama senyum je, suruh sabar. Xsangka susah nak kacau tu. Haih...



Dearest mum

Teringat juga, three days before ma xde, ma berkeras nak g tgk FiZi main rugby. Ma kate, ma ske rugby (I know this but sebab FiZi yg main, segan la.). Tapi I told her to balik. I said "Balik la dulu. Nanti na nak balik, na bagitau la mama." Tapi since mum dah on the way, I could do nothing but marah2 on the phone. Honestly, sangat segan mama nak datang tgk rugby. Cz alumni SMSS sdg main kat Politeknik Section 20 Shah Alam. Ma came anyway with abah n Elli. They sat jauh gila from the field coz takut I malu. (DAMN I CRYING NOW) They watched from far although match dah habis. Hm... In the end, mabah n eli jumpe FiZi and they were cool bout it. :/ Masa tu pun dah feel bad.
Translation for the above paragraph: I remember when, three days before mama left, she insisted on watching FiZi plays rugby. She said, she just loves watching rugby and that's why she wanna watch the game. (But since it was FiZi, I was quite embarrassed when my parents wanna watch it too.) But I replied, "You go back first. When I wanna go home, I'll let you know." But since mum was already on the way, I could do nothing but yelled over the phone. They came anyway and sat a distance away from the field coz they fear that I'll get shy and embarrassed with their appearance at the field. They watched from far although the game was over. In the end, my parents were really cool about seeing FiZi and at that time, I've felt bad.

True, I often cry during the lonely nights. I still am. But mum, I'm proud to have a mother like u. I really do. We really do. Abah always tells us that he misses u. Even when u're still here. It's cute... I also remember when, sometimes, when abah drove to work, to Perak or anywhere far from home and brought me along, abah blurted out, "Abah miss ur mum." and abah dialled mum's number. But, didn't he realize, he just left house no longer than a few minutes..? :")

Ma and I. Form 5.

Masa mama ada, abah selalu cakap ttg kebaikan mama depan semua orang lain. Telling people how wonderful she is, how pretty she is after all these years, how he loves her cooking very much. Ada time, abah jealous when mama buka cerita lama-lama. Masa mama muda-muda dulu. Sangat comel bila abah jealous. Abah merajuk. Comel :) Hm, ada orang, masa malam tahlil, datang and bagitau abah yang abah mungkin x kenal dia, tapi, this guy selalu nampak abah and mama together, hand in hand, strolling near the lake, bergurau senda macam orang baru bercinta. There were times too, dad tarikkan kerusi utk mama. Certain org, segan nak wat camtu dpn org ramai. But dad x kesah. Cz he loves her.
Translation: When mum was still with us, dad used to tell everyone about mum's good side. How wonderful she is, how pretty she is after all these years, how he loves her cooking very much. There was a time, abah became jealous when mum started talking bout her past. Dad was very cute when he got jealous. The rest of the paragraph is about his sweetness towards mum and how they were a very loving couple, even in the eyes of strangers.

There was a time when, abah was sending me to the Commuter station, ma waved goodbye from the porch. When the car starts moving, abah said to me... "Na, I know I don't have the rights to interfere in ur relationship. As a father, I should give u advice on this. I know u may not like it." Things started to rush into my head. Assumptions were made. What the hell have I done. That was when abah gave me his wise words, "Your mum n I have been talking bout this. Mama has been observing u. Ur mum penah tegor dah ttg nie and I think u should consider this. (Your mum has reminded u on this). We often overheard ur conversation with kweq. We get very happy when things work out between the both of u. But often, u selalu marah kweq (FiZi). (But often, you get angry with him easily). Abah macam x senang hati bila dengar macam tu. (I feel uneasy hearing that). Ur mum, x penah sekali pun tinggi suara dgn abah. Yes, mama tu slalu jugak disagree dgn abah. Tapi mama tegur abah dgn lembut. (Your mum, never once she raised her voice when she's with me. Yes, she often disagree with me but she tells me that in a respectful way.) She doesn't yell at me. N that makes me love her even more."

mabah
.owh and, 1 May 2010, happy 28th anniversary mabah.

Now, when mum's gone, Elli often hear abah singing to himself, "I wish I could hold her hands..." You've never stopped telling us how much u miss her. Abah, we hope, you're strong. You can endure this hard moments. We need u. We really need u to be with us as long as u can. Please stay with us. Bare with us. We love u...

Mum, I hope u know that u're deeply missed by us. Moreover, by abah. U've dedicated more than half of ur life, to us, to abah. I know that no matter how sad I can be, abah abah feels your loss a lot worse than us. Sudah tiba masanya untuk ku merelakan pemergian mama, dengan seikhlas hati... (It's time for me to let you go, with a sincere heart)...

Al-fatihah.

One more, very sad the moment I went to KLIA. Only with Abah and Elli and Zani. Never thought mum won't be there. Very jealous seeing other people hugging their mums. Maaa... :"(

(Pardon me for the present tenses. Maybe I'm not that used using past tenses to describe mum.)

However, despite all these, I get upset seeing those commercials bout Mother's Day on TV :(

34 comments:

haziqaanes said...

merelakan dia pergi dgn seikhlas hati, im glad to read dat my dear. smoga dy tenang di sna.

i know u're strong, skuat tiger. ;p

awall udinn'ALFIE'starr said...

aii bdk kecik, jz wanna let u know i read dis..u totally know wat am i goin to say so i dn have to say kan..
take care

Att Ashburn said...

salam aza..
you're such a strong girl, and i know you would stay that way...
this post touches my heart so much that I also cried, coz I pun pernah encounter moment where i nearly lost my father..
i may not understand how u feel, but I'll pray that you'll make through this day. God loves your mum more....
al fatihah for your mum

hatim a.r said...

hey hey first time baca ur blog.tiba2 post touching.im sure she was very happy with her life -loving husband and good kids.now u can still make her happier.baca alfatihah,yassin,other surahs and sedekah to her =)

best of luck ilyana.and be strong for ur father ok

Cikgu AL said...

ilyana zafirah,i'm touched by ur post..u r such a strong girl..al-fatihah -_-

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Tah la kecik. The other day, before tulis nie, I was thinking to myself why should she go. And abes pikir, it comes to me that mama xkn dtg balik dh no matter wt I think. That's why I'm thinking of letting everything go... Sekuat singa :)

Heh, thanx budak besar :)

Att, treasure ur loved ones. It hurts thinking how bad uve been to them. Bila diorg dah xde, Kite jarang pikir the good things we've done to them. kite akan regret -ve things we do to them.

Hey hatim, u dropped by. Nvr knew this side of u mase skola dlu ;) Thanx!

Thank u Aliah :) Semakin hari semakin kuat.

GhOsToNe said...

hmm...
sabar la ek....
moga dia tenang di sana...

Ayuni said...

T_T be strong girl.Allah lebey sayangkn ur mom.letting doesn't mean u'll forget her.but its more to accepting the fate written by God.
u take care girl.

Al-fatihah to ur mom.

Shorty Myra said...

I cried~.. kuatkan hati, Azza..

-Myra Mustafa-

chris_lim said...

Ur best post so far :)

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Thanx Ghostone n k.ayuni n mira n chris :)

Yeah k. ayuni, I've finally realized that there's nothing I can do besides apprecitaing those yg masih ada :)

Mira, awww. Jgn camnie :) Nnt kite men futsal, kite bergembira eh ;)

Hey chris, I know ur posts are wayyy better than mine. But ur assignments, don't forget bout it ;)

(Yes yes. I know. I sound a lot cheerful than in my post and I'm totally happy for this :))

Faisal Admar said...

i feel you. i guess i can tell how's the feeling of losing your own mum. she is the greatest woman in the world. our best friend. our mum.

many people in this world, neglect their mum. i wonder, how could they do that. are they stronger than us?

be strong ya.

Anonymous said...

i cried while reading yr blog tho i dunno u.

may Allah bless yr mother.

be strong.

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Thanx Faisal Admar :) Yeah. I admit I did sometimes neglect mum. But to neglect them like totally, that is so absurd. Hm... U maybe can describe it but different people, different feelings :(

Mr/Ms Anonymous. Thanx a lot for taking ur time reading this blog tho u dunno me, thank u very much for ur empathy :)

Anonymous said...

ilya cannot baca lagi laa.huhu.seeing her face pon still cannot.bukan xredha.tp sedih~

The Exquisite Instigator said...

ilya! kn na x bagi baca tadi! thats why i didnt give u the URL. haih. degil! :( Sorry sis.

NuR _QudS said...

wah everybody love my rumet^^
miss u aza~~

Nuye said...

tak sanggup pun nak baca smp habis aza..
b strong bebeh!!
luv you <3..
take care=)

The Exquisite Instigator said...

rumet n ex-rumet. Thanx a lot for taking ur time to read this :) comelnye korang baca blog kite...

Anonymous said...

alya adora: ilyana yang sgt2 adorable ;) erm..same like syed..read ur blog with tissue box beside me :') lagi triple dunno why i feel sad bile bace..lagi tak penah jumpe ur mom..al-Fatihah for ur mama :)

JMR said...

be strong ,girl...

Lady RoRa said...

akak nak nangis baca ur post ni.

i have my share of memories about her too.. and it will be different visiting ur house without her being around.

kuatkan semangat k ilyana.

HUDA said...

hye ilyana, it touches my heart read ur words on ur mama..i met ur mama once..ms ari raya dgn zayyani at ur house..she is such a wonderful woman..zayyani said so..he cried too..:) bykkn doa utk dia..smoga dia berada di kalangan org2 soleh..ameen---huda

Zani said...

dear sis, read ur blog on mama. bravo. hit me right through the core. what we can do now, we can always pray for her, and appreciate the moments we have with whoever we still have.. ppl who never experienced this can never understand, they just cant.. stay strong, stay focused and get married la weh!! uncle zayyani mao anak sedara.

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Haha. K alya, thanx for the compliment. i know Im adorable ;) eh, ke... korang baca sama2 nieh? main2 je :D

Thanx Jamar, I'll owez be... :)

Thanx k. ira edin. A friend of Zuhairy? :)

Yeah. Zani nanges. Sangat comel. Kami semua comel belaka! :D heh. Thank u. I miss her...

Zani! :D:D:D Nak kawen cepat-cepat! Langkah bendul Ayie, Zani, Ilya. Weeee~!! :D:D:D

Faisal Admar said...

sorry to ask, but ayah you masih ada kan? so what do you plan to buy for father's day? eh or dah lepas ek?

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Abah ada :) Adala nk buy him :) Will probably post it later. Xpun klu x sempat, bgtau je kt blog kg :P

[z@ck] said...

Al-fatihah for your mom..

i know how u feel..memang perit untuk kehilangan org yg kita sayang. kita tak boleh melawan takdir Tuhan. Soon..kita pn akan pergi sama.Moga awak tabah menghadapi hari yg mendatang. tak guna menangis sebab dia takkan kembali.

Doa-doalah selalu moga arwah mama tenang di sana. dia memerlukan doa anak-anaknya.

=)

Faisal Admar said...

Haha mana boleh bagi melalui blog :) Yang penting ingatankan? :)

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Z, u know how i feel but ull nvr understand it...:)

haha. betul2. x perlu hadiah pun.igt je pun dh ckup ;)

Faisal Admar said...

hmm, father's day dah lepas kan?

The Exquisite Instigator said...

Eh, it's in June kn. btw, have something on mind to write. but waiting for gthe right moment. :)

mIsS nIsYa said...

oowh aza..u sgt jht..u ajk i nangis pg2 hr..hehehe..

hey rmember girl..u r more than u know..b strong.. :)

Ilyana Z Fauzy said...

Minum Energy Drink Mother jadi kuat! :~D Heee

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