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Monday, December 7, 2015

December. The month of...

Post kali nie tak rasa cam nak main paint pulak. Nak tulis je. Heee.


A week before my birthday, Mdm Rovena called and told me I flunked my exam. I knew I did bad. 

7th December 2009. 

I resat for my exam. After the exam, I felt lonely. Iwa came from Perlis to accompany me that day. We spent the day at Queensbay Mall. Thank you, dear girlfriend. 

22 days later,

mama passed away.


12th December 2014.

Taweeeeeennnnnn~!!!! Yippeeeeeee~!!!!

13th December 2014.

Majlis tawen. Hoyeah! Habis sudaaa.


6th December 2015.

I should have held my first baby today. Not many knew about this. But yeah, I lost my first baby some time in May. Can't imagine people yang dah ada anak and the child meninggal. Sedangkan yang baru dua bulan bertapak dalam perut pun dah sob sob. Thank God FiZi's always there to support me. Honestly, the news of us losing the baby seemed to hit him harder than me. He tried to hide away the sadness and kept giving me motivational words (Hee. Presiden PRS lah katakann...). But I think those were rather self-convincing words. 

What hurt us wasn't the baby's passing but how the doctors treated the matter. I bled for three weeks. On the first day of the bleeding, Hospital Selayang simply gave a two-week appointment. We went to Pusat Pakar Rawatan Islam Kg. Baru and the doctor tak percaya that I was pregnant till FiZi showed her the scan we did a week earlier at Klinik Sri Indah, Selayang Jaya (The doctor wasn't in. Sebab tu tak g situ. But that was our favourite clinic kalau doctor tu ada. Now fav clinic kitorg is Klinik Mutiara, Prima Gombak.) Tu pun, doc kat PPRI Kg. Baru tu dok tanya macam macam. Yg tak relevan. "Konfem ke mengandung? Camne konfemkan? Klinik mana awak g? Sebelum tu cek tak kat rumah? Bila cek tu, mmg confirm positive ke? Kalau positive tu, maksudnya ada dua jalur. Awak dua jalur ke? Bila scan tu awak nampak ke baby?" And so on... Ergh. Tanya macam ape je... Dengan nada yang macam nak halau tuu... Entah lah kalau tu memang prosedur kan. But we didn't like the way she talked to us. Kasar semacam. Macam kitorang nie tak kawen lagi je. Maybe jugak because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring but still! Patient ko jugak kott.. Tak kisah lah ko nak pikir apa punnn. (I dislike wearing jewelries especially while doing daily activities. Pnh sehari pakai, terus kemek cincin tu. Terus tak pakai dah unless g events. Tu pun tak selalu. Hee).  Dia scan, tengok takde pape. There was nothing. Sac pun takde. Mcm blank screen pun ada jugak. Hoho. Serious pelik sebab before tu, scan kat another clinic, ada je something there. Then, we came out of the consultation room dengan perasaan tak puas hati but none of us said anything. We were nervous with the outcome. We just held each other's hands while waiting for the bill. Lepas g tempat yg macam pakar gila tuuu (they charged us RM252, the most expensive bill we've received banding dgn 3 lagi klinik private kitorang g. Yang lain semua bawah RM100. DEF NOT WORTH IT WITH THE WAY THE DOC TREATED US AND MENUNGGU SAMPAI 2 HOURS), dalam kereta, FiZi started comforting me. Maybe sbb sunyi sepi je kot suasana. I felt nothing. Empty. Not happy nor was I sad. Completely nothing. Tak tau nak rasa apa.

The next day, macam semangat gila nak masak masak. Masa potong potong bawang ke apa tah, tetiba rasa lain macam. Takde pun sakit apa. I went to the toilet nak cek, there it was. It was like a lump of meat, no blood, nothing else. Just that. My baby dah keluar. Huwaaa. Babyyy... Why you no wait and stay stronggg?? But lepas tu, dah lega. At least the bleeding stopped. I happily (sbb takde tertanya tanya dah kenapa bleeding berpanjangan) showed it to FiZi. He just smiled and turned on his silent mode. I knew he was heartbroken.

Sorry sayang. I know you never blamed me for what happened but the doctor said, maybe because I kept on kerja and acted like nothing's going on padahal I was bleeding down there and that went on for three weeks. I told close friends about it only and the PKs had no idea I was gonna lose my first baby. I know why you're being overprotective and tegas gila suruh inform PK untuk bagi kelonggaran tugasan (Kurikulum for academic purposes and Koko because I was Ketua Rumah Sukan) and ikut cakap doctor (MC seminggu) when I started bleeding masa second pregnancy although saya berdegil nak kerja jugak sebab byk kerja dok tunggu kat skola. I'll always remember what the doctor said, "Saya bagi MC. Ikut awak kalau nak kerja jugak. Tapi awak kena fikir. Sayang kerja lebih atau sayang baby?" That sentence reminded me about what happened a few months ago. Fuh. Tak sanggup. And I became the good girl yang bedridden kat rumah tunggu je awak balik kerja. Hee. Imma good wife! And am gonna be a great mother! 

7th December 2015.

Celebrating my birthday alone on our bed. Wish FiZi had applied for leave today and spent the day with his wife. Your presence means a lot, sayang. Even if it's just cuddling in bed all day long. But I get it. Kalau tak g kerja, lagi laaa stress phone awak asyik dok bunyi sebab orang carik (I know this because this had happened plenty of times when you called in sick and memang tak larat nak g kerja). Haha. Takpelah. Nanti balik, nak birthday card please! (Hope you read this before coming home.)

And so, I googled this.

But most of em require me to use the car and go somewhere.
Huwaaa. Cannot lorhhh.

29th December 2015.

Mama left us 6 years ago. Al-fatihah.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Hold your head up high. And smile.
Be thankful.

- Waiting for FiZi to come home. Heeeeee

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 1619 (GMT +08:00):.

Friday, February 13, 2015

13 February 2015

13 February 2015.

"Ada apa dengan tarikh?" kata mereka.

Well, exactly 10 years ago was the moment we decided to take our friendship to a new level. It was 2005. I was in Form 4 and he was in Form 5. He never had a girlfriend. So, I assumed that he only liked me because I cared for him a lil more than other girls do. Alhamdulillah, the relationship still continued after we finished school.

I still remember. Ten years ago, some time when I was in Form 4. I was in the toilet doing what people normally do when they're in one. That time, dah fikir dah. Kalau tawen dengan dia nie, pernah dengar orang kata afdhal hari Jumaat. So, that time, I scrolled through my (mother's) 3310...

Image result for 3310 green
The legendary phone

And searched for the closest 13 February that falls on a Friday. "Ah, sudah... Takkan Februari 2009 kottt? Aku baru 19 tahun kot. Tak mungkin mabah bagi kawen masa belajar lagi." So, I went on scrolling for the next one. "Whatttt..?? 2015 nanti? Gilo. 10 tahun tuuuuuu! Tak sanggup. Tak sangguppp. Ah, takpelah. Que Sera Sera..." 

Don't worry.
Saya tak segila itu untuk kira semua nie.
I used
Alhamdulillah, on the 12th of December, a day and two months ago, dengan sekali lafaz, "Saya terima nikahnya Mohd Norhafizi bin Abdullah dengan mas kahwinnya RM300. Sah? Sah." saya selamat bergelar isteri kepada Mohd Norhafizi bin Abdullah. Oh-so-cliche. 

We've gone through the ups and downs of life zaman sebelum kahwin dulu. He has put up with a lot of my nonsense. I'm really really really grateful to have him as my husband. If people ask me, "So, amacam kawen?" I can only answer, "Bestttt sangat!" No words can actually describe how thankful I am to Allah for allowing me to be with him and to FiZi for taking me as his wife. All I can say is, best sangat! :~)

Biaq pi lah depa nak kata:

"Eleh, baru kawen. Tunggu lah nanti dah dua tiga tahun."
"Alaaa. Takde anak lagi boleh lah nak sweet sweet."

Dan lain lain. Whatever. Cuba jangan unhappy kan orang kalau dah life korang tak happy sangat. Let's enjoy this life and the wonderfulness of having each other. Jangan nak spoil sangat mood kita. I'm not saying that our relationship won't turn sour or we won't experience langsung bersedih duka lara bagai tu. No... Kita pun takde jaminan what will happen in the future kan. But... Instead of telling me the downsides of marriages that you guys have gone through, cuba doakan kebahagiaan kitorang. InsyaAllah korang pun akan dapat rasa kebahagiaannya. *Hihi. Emo jap. Maaf ye.

The best part of this marriage that he's a lot sweeter and more understanding and turns into a very romantic person and I'm happy dia tak tunjuk sangat sweetness tu kat orang lain and and and... Eee banyak sangat lah! Hihi. I need not go into details of other stuff about this relationship. I think, all lovers have their own indescribable feelings lepas tawen. Kalau nak tau rasanya camne, tawen lah! ;~) 


 Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

. Currently waiting for FiZi to arrive. Waiting at school. In the rain. Eh, ada bumbung lah. Hehe. He's from KJ. Jem teghok hari Jumaat nieee bak ang!

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 20:02 (GMT +08:00):.
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