December. The month of...

Post kali nie tak rasa cam nak main paint pulak. Nak tulis je. Heee.

...

A week before my birthday, Mdm Rovena called and told me I flunked my exam. I knew I did bad. 

7th December 2009. 

I resat for my exam. After the exam, I felt lonely. Iwa came from Perlis to accompany me that day. We spent the day at Queensbay Mall. Thank you, dear girlfriend. 

22 days later,

mama passed away.

...

12th December 2014.

Taweeeeeennnnnn~!!!! Yippeeeeeee~!!!!

13th December 2014.

Majlis tawen. Hoyeah! Habis sudaaa.

...

6th December 2015.

I should have held my first baby today. Not many knew about this. But yeah, I lost my first baby some time in May. Can't imagine people yang dah ada anak and the child meninggal. Sedangkan yang baru dua bulan bertapak dalam perut pun dah sob sob. Thank God FiZi's always there to support me. Honestly, the news of us losing the baby seemed to hit him harder than me. He tried to hide away the sadness and kept giving me motivational words (Hee. Presiden PRS lah katakann...). But I think those were rather self-convincing words. 

What hurt us wasn't the baby's passing but how the doctors treated the matter. I bled for three weeks. On the first day of the bleeding, Hospital Selayang simply gave a two-week appointment. We went to Pusat Pakar Rawatan Islam Kg. Baru and the doctor tak percaya that I was pregnant till FiZi showed her the scan we did a week earlier at Klinik Sri Indah, Selayang Jaya (The doctor wasn't in. Sebab tu tak g situ. But that was our favourite clinic kalau doctor tu ada. Now fav clinic kitorg is Klinik Mutiara, Prima Gombak.) Tu pun, doc kat PPRI Kg. Baru tu dok tanya macam macam. Yg tak relevan. "Konfem ke mengandung? Camne konfemkan? Klinik mana awak g? Sebelum tu cek tak kat rumah? Bila cek tu, mmg confirm positive ke? Kalau positive tu, maksudnya ada dua jalur. Awak dua jalur ke? Bila scan tu awak nampak ke baby?" And so on... Ergh. Tanya macam ape je... Dengan nada yang macam nak halau tuu... Entah lah kalau tu memang prosedur kan. But we didn't like the way she talked to us. Kasar semacam. Macam kitorang nie tak kawen lagi je. Maybe jugak because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring but still! Patient ko jugak kott.. Tak kisah lah ko nak pikir apa punnn. (I dislike wearing jewelries especially while doing daily activities. Pnh sehari pakai, terus kemek cincin tu. Terus tak pakai dah unless g events. Tu pun tak selalu. Hee).  Dia scan, tengok takde pape. There was nothing. Sac pun takde. Mcm blank screen pun ada jugak. Hoho. Serious pelik sebab before tu, scan kat another clinic, ada je something there. Then, we came out of the consultation room dengan perasaan tak puas hati but none of us said anything. We were nervous with the outcome. We just held each other's hands while waiting for the bill. Lepas g tempat yg macam pakar gila tuuu (they charged us RM252, the most expensive bill we've received banding dgn 3 lagi klinik private kitorang g. Yang lain semua bawah RM100. DEF NOT WORTH IT WITH THE WAY THE DOC TREATED US AND MENUNGGU SAMPAI 2 HOURS), dalam kereta, FiZi started comforting me. Maybe sbb sunyi sepi je kot suasana. I felt nothing. Empty. Not happy nor was I sad. Completely nothing. Tak tau nak rasa apa.

The next day, macam semangat gila nak masak masak. Masa potong potong bawang ke apa tah, tetiba rasa lain macam. Takde pun sakit apa. I went to the toilet nak cek, there it was. It was like a lump of meat, no blood, nothing else. Just that. My baby dah keluar. Huwaaa. Babyyy... Why you no wait and stay stronggg?? But lepas tu, dah lega. At least the bleeding stopped. I happily (sbb takde tertanya tanya dah kenapa bleeding berpanjangan) showed it to FiZi. He just smiled and turned on his silent mode. I knew he was heartbroken.

Sorry sayang. I know you never blamed me for what happened but the doctor said, maybe because I kept on kerja and acted like nothing's going on padahal I was bleeding down there and that went on for three weeks. I told close friends about it only and the PKs had no idea I was gonna lose my first baby. I know why you're being overprotective and tegas gila suruh inform PK untuk bagi kelonggaran tugasan (Kurikulum for academic purposes and Koko because I was Ketua Rumah Sukan) and ikut cakap doctor (MC seminggu) when I started bleeding masa second pregnancy although saya berdegil nak kerja jugak sebab byk kerja dok tunggu kat skola. I'll always remember what the doctor said, "Saya bagi MC. Ikut awak kalau nak kerja jugak. Tapi awak kena fikir. Sayang kerja lebih atau sayang baby?" That sentence reminded me about what happened a few months ago. Fuh. Tak sanggup. And I became the good girl yang bedridden kat rumah tunggu je awak balik kerja. Hee. Imma good wife! And am gonna be a great mother! 

7th December 2015.

Celebrating my birthday alone on our bed. Wish FiZi had applied for leave today and spent the day with his wife. Your presence means a lot, sayang. Even if it's just cuddling in bed all day long. But I get it. Kalau tak g kerja, lagi laaa stress phone awak asyik dok bunyi sebab orang carik (I know this because this had happened plenty of times when you called in sick and memang tak larat nak g kerja). Haha. Takpelah. Nanti balik, nak birthday card please! (Hope you read this before coming home.)

And so, I googled this.

But most of em require me to use the car and go somewhere.
Huwaaa. Cannot lorhhh.

29th December 2015.

Mama left us 6 years ago. Al-fatihah.

13 February 2015

13 February 2015.

"Ada apa dengan tarikh?" kata mereka.

Well, exactly 10 years ago was the moment we decided to take our friendship to a new level. It was 2005. I was in Form 4 and he was in Form 5. He never had a girlfriend. So, I assumed that he only liked me because I cared for him a lil more than other girls do. Alhamdulillah, the relationship still continued after we finished school.

I still remember. Ten years ago, some time when I was in Form 4. I was in the toilet doing what people normally do when they're in one. That time, dah fikir dah. Kalau tawen dengan dia nie, pernah dengar orang kata afdhal hari Jumaat. So, that time, I scrolled through my (mother's) 3310...

The legendary phone

And searched for the closest 13 February that falls on a Friday. "Ah, sudah... Takkan Februari 2009 kottt? Aku baru 19 tahun kot. Tak mungkin mabah bagi kawen masa belajar lagi." So, I went on scrolling for the next one. "Whatttt..?? 2015 nanti? Gilo. 10 tahun tuuuuuu! Tak sanggup. Tak sangguppp. Ah, takpelah. Que Sera Sera..." 

Don't worry.
Saya tak segila itu untuk kira semua nie.
I used http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html
Hehe.

Alhamdulillah, on the 12th of December, a day and two months ago, dengan sekali lafaz, "Saya terima nikahnya Mohd Norhafizi bin Abdullah dengan mas kahwinnya RM300. Sah? Sah." saya selamat bergelar isteri kepada Mohd Norhafizi bin Abdullah. Oh-so-cliche. 

We've gone through the ups and downs of life zaman sebelum kahwin dulu. He has put up with a lot of my nonsense. I'm really really really grateful to have him as my husband. If people ask me, "So, amacam kawen?" I can only answer, "Bestttt sangat!" No words can actually describe how thankful I am to Allah for allowing me to be with him and to FiZi for taking me as his wife. All I can say is, best sangat! :~)

Biaq pi lah depa nak kata:

"Eleh, baru kawen. Tunggu lah nanti dah dua tiga tahun."

"Alaaa. Takde anak lagi boleh lah nak sweet sweet."

Dan lain lain. Whatever. Cuba jangan unhappy kan orang kalau dah life korang tak happy sangat. Let's enjoy this life and the wonderfulness of having each other. Jangan nak spoil sangat mood kita. I'm not saying that our relationship won't turn sour or we won't experience langsung bersedih duka lara bagai tu. No... Kita pun takde jaminan what will happen in the future kan. But... Instead of telling me the downsides of marriages that you guys have gone through, cuba doakan kebahagiaan kitorang. InsyaAllah korang pun akan dapat rasa kebahagiaannya. *Hihi. Emo jap. Maaf ye.

The best part of this marriage that he's a lot sweeter and more understanding and turns into a very romantic person and I'm happy dia tak tunjuk sangat sweetness tu kat orang lain and and and... Eee banyak sangat lah! Hihi. I need not go into details of other stuff about this relationship. I think, all lovers have their own indescribable feelings lepas tawen. Kalau nak tau rasanya camne, tawen lah! ;~) 

THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE TEN YEARS YOU'VE BEEN A PATIENT, WONDERFUL, SUPPORTIVE, SWEET, CUTE, CHARMING, ANNOYING AND ALL OF THE GOODS AND BADS MIXED IN YOU. THANK YOU!

 Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

*Update:
. Currently waiting for FiZi to arrive. Waiting at school. In the rain. Eh, ada bumbung lah. Hehe. He's from KJ. Jem teghok hari Jumaat nieee bak ang!

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 20:02 (GMT +08:00):.

Coliseum. 1921.

Been wanting to step into that cafe.

Over and over again.

Like we used to.

When everyone was there.

Soon. Real soon.

Coliseum, our once-upon-a-time family's favourite steakhouse.

Update:

- Work waiting to be completed. The same routine. Boring.

.:ilyana.fauzy signing off at 01:01 a.m. (GMT +08:00)

BiJi. BiJi. BiJi. Guwa biji bebeno. Pehe dop?

Updated status on Facebook:



   Dearest mama, guess what? Teachers' Day dah dekattt! I hope you're here to witness this. Heee. Call ma sbb nak cerita excited sambut Hari Guru first time nieee. AS A TEACHER! HOW COOL IS THAT?! Heeeeeeeeee. Dear God, because of You... I'm smiling. Alhamdulillah. Hoping I get to finish those secretarial work by tomorrow or hm..., next week. Kinda been working 7 days a week for a few months now. Who say teachers work half day only maa? Back at 3, 4, 5 and sometimes at 6. At home, continue working. Punch in at 7:15 in the morning regardless the total hours. *Yawnnn* OT? What's that? Tak wujud dalam kamus seorang guru. Not complaining (tipuuuu jee!!! hee. but yeah, not complaining that much lah :~x ) Anddd very happy I don't get that many chance to sleep after Asar. :~D Am still very new to teaching. Tak cukup setahun lagi pun. Still a lot heading my way and am ready to learn! I smile most of the time (in and out of the school compound), I make friends with the children, we joke around like buddies do, I am surrounded with very helpful and supportive colleagues and loved ones... I just can't ask for anything more, can I? I wonder how my friends, in this same great profession, scattered all over Malaysia, are doing :~))) Wishing my dear friends who are teachers too, a VERY HAPPY VERY HAPPY VERY HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY! Heee. An early HTD wish. How much longer will I stay a teacher? Wallahualam. Good night!

But then... I realize:

- This is too personal to be placed on Facebook.

- It will be on the News Feed. Macam menyemak jeee status pepanjang camnie kat NF orang padahal takdak kaitan dengan depa pun. Sian pulop.

- Nobody cares anyway. Duuuhhh.

So, I decided to move it here. Haha. Why? Because, this is my own personal space. Only those who care enough will read this. People choose to click or visit blogs but on FB's NF, everything's stuck there even when people tak nak tengok pun. Heee. So, here it is lah kan. Pap! Terpampang di blog ini. Gosh, I miss her. Dah tak balik rumah lama dah nie padahal dulu, tiap minggu balik. Okay. Dah taburkan  muntahkan luahkan isi hati kat sini. Boleh tdoq dah. Hehe. Guten nacht!  

Maafkan patik, gambar tidak memberangsangkan.
Sedang kejar masa nie.  *run chase time*
k lame.

In case you don't understand the title of this post disebabkan penggunaan bahasa berkarat, it's "Busy. Busy. Busy. Very busy. Do you understand?" Taa~

Update:

- Busyyyyyyyy!

- Despite the busyness, I still try to make time for people (tak semua lah sbb x semua schedule free sama).

- Butttt, tu lah. Kalau ada orang tgk kita happy sikit, keluarlah ayat, "Eh, dia macam x de kje je.",  "Eeee, senangnyaa jadi cikgu." ... dan bermacam lagi lah. Haha. Tolak tepi semua itu dan terus pekakkan diri. Cobaaannnn. 

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 3:45AM (GMT +08:00):.

Love makes it worthwhile...

I've been going back and forth to my hometown every week for the past nearly three months without fail (Well, there's this one week that I couldn't make it back though as the assignments were piled up). These are the reasons:

You guys made the RM 70 spent for the return bus fare and 10 hours of taxing and boring journey bearable.

Thanx a lot :~)

Update:

- I hate this situation I'm in. Uh, this place. Um, well... Ya' know... Ah, forget it.

- This post was made three weeks ago... Have selected the pictures and organized it... But this time, I'm too lazy to do so.

- Last week, I didn't manage to go back since work has piled up... Dad was :~( because he came downstairs to see there's no one in the living room like how it used to be... I'm glad my lil bro came back on Saturday to keep him company :~)

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 5.09am GMT +8:00:.

...dusty...

(Fuhh. Fuuuhhh...)

*The sound of me blowing something off..*

Oyeah. That's me blowing the dust off this blog.

I just realized that the traffic to this blog keeps increasing gradually despite me not updating it.

Sorry dear followers. Will try to make it up to you.

Not a promise but I'll try...

Aunty Ilyana. Hihi.

See you soon :~)

Owhhh. And did I tell you? I'm going back to Malaysia for good on the 15th. 

3 days to go...

Excited? Um, well.... 

.

.

.

Self-update:

- There's not much time left to shrink my size. Hehe. 

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 12.41pm (GMT +8.00):.

This explains why I was late...

My sister terasa with me because I didn't wish her on her birthday. She thought I forgot. But no, I was working on this. Hope that she'll love it. Spent a few days on this. I'm a slow worker. *Yawn...

Self-update:

- Hmmm.

- Goodnight.

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at  02.09pm:.

Hello family!

After not calling home for more than 2 weeks, (excluding Skype calls)... I received 4 wonderful news from abah.

1. Elli just placed herself in Institut Perguruan Bahasa Antarabangsa (IPBA) for her TESL course (macam saya!) Thank you everyone for making this possible. Elli, I love you :~))) (If you read this, takyah nak perasan sangat okayh!)

2. Ilya is at home in Shah Alam! Weee. Orang Ireland balik tanah air!

3. Abah's CML contract with someone is at the final stage of being approved.

4. Zuhairy has owned a car.

Bb and Zayyani...? Well, am sure they're up to something. However...

...abah said that he's sleepy and want to get some sleep. So, tak mau lah tanya lebih-lebih. He needs to get some rest. Oops! Sorry abah for disturbing your sleeping process. Heee. And Ilya is downstairs washing the dishes. Oh! Having Ilya at home means having someone to regularly cook the meals for the family. Unlike when I'm back home dulu. Haha. Sorry dear family.

Dari semakin hilang semangat menuntut ilmu di negara orang...

...terus menjadi gigih belajar pabila mendengar berita gembira!

Alhamdulillah.

Owh yess. And thanx FiZi for the suggestions on what I should do for my microteaching. Although you didn't really know the context and have no idea of what this is... You came up with some brilliant ideas. Thank you.

Self-update:

- And... Back to the assignments!

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 0355pm:.

Are you blinded... Like me? Have you ever really...

Yes, yes. I've promised not to blog till I've finished my assignment. Guess what? They're not finished. Yeah. You scored that one.

I've been kinda depressed and sad for the past few days. And it's mainly because everyone's celebrating Mother's Day. Yea yea... I was full of envy. I'm sorry dear readers who celebrated Mother's Day. Anyway, while I was in my gloomy mode, I had a fight with FiZi. Biasalah tu... Adat bercinta kata orang. But that didn't affect my feelings sangat but the thought of everywhere people are celebrating their mums, that made feel indifferent. Hmmm. Enough about that. Mother's Day is over anyway. Oh, btw, I bought a mug that has this writing on it. Heee. InsyaAllah kalau ingat, I'll post the picture nanti.

Minus the ".:ilyanafauzy:. "of course. Heee

Let's move on to another story. Because I've been crying hard for the past three nights thinking about mummy. (That explains the question people kept asking me, why do my eyes look different/sembab/bengkak/swollen semenjak dua menjak nie.) Sorry mummy. I've been praying for you a lot too despite the tears. Trust me. I do. Hmmm.

BUT REALLY, IF YOU WANNA BLOG ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY, CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PICTURES TO A PICTURE OF YOUR MOTHER, DO TWEETS ON YOUR MOTHER, PUT FACEBOOK STATUSES ABOUT YOUR MOTHER AND SO ON... I really don't mind. It's just that these feelings saja nak carik gaduh dalam diri. Heeee. It's an inner thing. Nothing to do with any of you. I'm happy to see you guys happy ngan mama korang. Seriously.

Okay, the next story is what I just learned  in a relationship. We feel that we love someone. Our spouse, our partner, our friends, our sisters, brothers. And that's okay. That's normal. But try to rethink and reflect, was it too much? Probably a little too much (I know I did) and we don't get to realize it before it's too late (Sometimes, we might think it's too late but better keep trying than just giving up, surrendering). We're blinded by this thing we call love when our partner sees it as invading their privacy. It only dawns upon us when that someone tells us that he/she needs some space to be on their own. It's not our fault though, we're blinded, remember? It's just that, if we truly love someone, we should be able to understand their needs. The need to have their own time with friends and family and to be on their own. A time when you're not in the frame. And that doesn't mean they don't love you, they don't miss you, or they don't think of you. Well, they do. You just have to take a step back and let him/her breath. And that's when we think that truth hurts when it's actually we ourselves didn't see the signs before, we didn't see their needs, we didn't fulfill theirs when they have actually fulfilled ours, which is to be by our side all the time or whatever you have in mind. So, I just would like you guys and girls out there to hear this song, to really hear it, and to try your best to read in between the lines. If you ever had any fights with your loved ones, think of the wonderful things they've done for you. It sure helps. A lot. But when the love is no longer there, maybe you have to wake up and face the truth; there is no love after all.

Thanks for making me see love from a broader perspective.

InsyaAllah I'll be a better person in the future. InsyaAllah.

Here's the lyrics. You can download the song at Mediafire.

Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

by Bryan Adams

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - if she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman then tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman then tell her that she's the one
'cause she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you -
till you know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Till you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman
then tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman then tell her that she's the one
'cause she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really -
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - you gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman? You got to tell me
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?

Source: www.sing365.com

(~: Finally, a shoutout to all great mothers out there,

Happy Mother's Day.

And to all sons and daughters of these beautiful mothers and wonderful fathers, shower you parents with love and affection, just the way they showered you with theirs while growing you up. :~)

Update tentang diri:

- Okay. Assignment. Again.

- Sorry if any of my words offended you guys.

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 1009am:.

Back. Back. Back to the start.

If I could turn back time, I would love to be given another chance to treat my mum right. The way a mother is supposed to be treated. The ONLY way she deserves to be treated. I would cherish every year, every month, every week, everyday, every minute, every second.

But that's all in the past and that's what I have to live with.

For the rest of my life.

Update tentang diri:

- Sleepy

- Assignment not yet finished, again.

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 0248:.

She wakes up...

The moment she wakes up, she opens her lids and praised God for the wonderful life He has blown into her. "Alhamdulillah" is her first word of the day. She sits up straight and feels like someone or something is watching her from somewhere and she turns her head to the left. The mirror. The tall, not-so-clear mirror which is now reflecting her image. She sees herself staring deep into it, mesmerized by the reflection that's right in front of her. looking straight into her own eyes. She looks into it and blurts, "My mother was beautiful. So am I..." And she cries.

There you go.
An unedited picture of her waking up.
(Except for the URL obviously)

She misses her mum. Dearly.

Self-update:

 -  I miss dad too. I have called dad several times, several days but he didn't answer. I guess, I just called at the wrong time. Will keep trying tonight.

 - I'm pressured by the assignment I haven't yet finished. Possibly will finish them by this evening, or tomorrow.

 - Will fly off to Gold Coast tomorrow and I haven't packed my things.

 - I'm moving out from this house tomorrow.

 - What a busy day!

.:ilyanafauzy signing off at 0751:.

Zulhulaimy Fauzy...

Zulhulaimy.Abah.Ilya
(Heh. Sorry terpaksa crop the June babies (Elli and Zayyani)

Zulhulaimy Fauzy and Ilya Fauzy... These two people have something in common. Well, maybe lotsa things in common but the most obvious one is that they share the same birthmonth, besides the more obvious, they're my siblings. Weeee~! :~) Hmmm. Birthmonth... Suka hati wujudkan perkataan baru ganti birthday kan... But the best thing they have in common is... they have ME! Weee~! :~P Heee. Ilya, pasnie, na wat post ttg Ilya pulak okayh! :~)

Heee. I miss you lah brother! :~)

Okay. Okay. Straight to the point. My baby brother... (Baby lagi ke?) He just turned 20 recently (01March2011)! OMG! He's 20 already??! Wuuu. Everyone's growing old so fast laaa nowadays :~( I still see him as a little boy. Can't believe he has left school so long. Anyway, he currently studies in MMU Cyberjaya and is in his holiday mode (JEALOUS OKAYYY). Hope you're having fun with the family. B, if you're reading this, please kiss abah and Elli for me... :~) I miss them banyak banyak.

Kesengalan macam saya. Boooo~!!

His soft side towards animals. Awww~

Bergaya pun seperti saya juga. Weeeeeeeeee~!!!

His friend, Ikhwan Hafidz composed this song and with the help of Izham Sofi and my brother, this simple yet wonderful video is produced. Whenever I feel like crying, I'll replay it over and over again in the silence of the night, when everyone's faraway in their own peaceful dreamland. (Haha. Yeah Wan... You got me crying... ) I'll miss Malaysia very much whenever I hear this one. Maybe coz my brother is in it, playing the violin, or maybe just because of the song and the lyrics and the rhythm...

My violin and his guitar.
Credit to bb for the picture.

Sigh~  Coincidentally, this song is composed for his friend who flew flying off to Aussie too. So, I do sometimes feel that this song is meant for me. Hahaha. (Perasan kannnnn!) I'm really glad that I'm much happier now in Australia compared to the 1st week I came back here. No more nangis nangis everyday. Heh. Only when I look at the family and friends' pictures... I'll miss them terribly.

Na loves you bb :~)