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Monday, December 7, 2015

December. The month of...


Post kali nie tak rasa cam nak main paint pulak. Nak tulis je. Heee.


...


A week before my birthday, Mdm Rovena called and told me I flunked my exam. I knew I did bad. 


7th December 2009. 

I resat for my exam. After the exam, I felt lonely. Iwa came from Perlis to accompany me that day. We spent the day at Queensbay Mall. Thank you, dear girlfriend. 

22 days later,

mama passed away.

...


12th December 2014.

Taweeeeeennnnnn~!!!! Yippeeeeeee~!!!!


13th December 2014.

Majlis tawen. Hoyeah! Habis sudaaa.

...


6th December 2015.

I should have held my first baby today. Not many knew about this. But yeah, I lost my first baby some time in May. Can't imagine people yang dah ada anak and the child meninggal. Sedangkan yang baru dua bulan bertapak dalam perut pun dah sob sob. Thank God FiZi's always there to support me. Honestly, the news of us losing the baby seemed to hit him harder than me. He tried to hide away the sadness and kept giving me motivational words (Hee. Presiden PRS lah katakann...). But I think those were rather self-convincing words. 

What hurt us wasn't the baby's passing but how the doctors treated the matter. I bled for three weeks. On the first day of the bleeding, Hospital Selayang simply gave a two-week appointment. We went to Pusat Pakar Rawatan Islam Kg. Baru and the doctor tak percaya that I was pregnant till FiZi showed her the scan we did a week earlier at Klinik Sri Indah, Selayang Jaya (The doctor wasn't in. Sebab tu tak g situ. But that was our favourite clinic kalau doctor tu ada. Now fav clinic kitorg is Klinik Mutiara, Prima Gombak.) Tu pun, doc kat PPRI Kg. Baru tu dok tanya macam macam. Yg tak relevan. "Konfem ke mengandung? Camne konfemkan? Klinik mana awak g? Sebelum tu cek tak kat rumah? Bila cek tu, mmg confirm positive ke? Kalau positive tu, maksudnya ada dua jalur. Awak dua jalur ke? Bila scan tu awak nampak ke baby?" And so on... Ergh. Tanya macam ape je... Dengan nada yang macam nak halau tuu... Entah lah kalau tu memang prosedur kan. But we didn't like the way she talked to us. Kasar semacam. Macam kitorang nie tak kawen lagi je. Maybe jugak because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring but still! Patient ko jugak kott.. Tak kisah lah ko nak pikir apa punnn. (I dislike wearing jewelries especially while doing daily activities. Pnh sehari pakai, terus kemek cincin tu. Terus tak pakai dah unless g events. Tu pun tak selalu. Hee).  Dia scan, tengok takde pape. There was nothing. Sac pun takde. Mcm blank screen pun ada jugak. Hoho. Serious pelik sebab before tu, scan kat another clinic, ada je something there. Then, we came out of the consultation room dengan perasaan tak puas hati but none of us said anything. We were nervous with the outcome. We just held each other's hands while waiting for the bill. Lepas g tempat yg macam pakar gila tuuu (they charged us RM252, the most expensive bill we've received banding dgn 3 lagi klinik private kitorang g. Yang lain semua bawah RM100. DEF NOT WORTH IT WITH THE WAY THE DOC TREATED US AND MENUNGGU SAMPAI 2 HOURS), dalam kereta, FiZi started comforting me. Maybe sbb sunyi sepi je kot suasana. I felt nothing. Empty. Not happy nor was I sad. Completely nothing. Tak tau nak rasa apa.

The next day, macam semangat gila nak masak masak. Masa potong potong bawang ke apa tah, tetiba rasa lain macam. Takde pun sakit apa. I went to the toilet nak cek, there it was. It was like a lump of meat, no blood, nothing else. Just that. My baby dah keluar. Huwaaa. Babyyy... Why you no wait and stay stronggg?? But lepas tu, dah lega. At least the bleeding stopped. I happily (sbb takde tertanya tanya dah kenapa bleeding berpanjangan) showed it to FiZi. He just smiled and turned on his silent mode. I knew he was heartbroken.

Sorry sayang. I know you never blamed me for what happened but the doctor said, maybe because I kept on kerja and acted like nothing's going on padahal I was bleeding down there and that went on for three weeks. I told close friends about it only and the PKs had no idea I was gonna lose my first baby. I know why you're being overprotective and tegas gila suruh inform PK untuk bagi kelonggaran tugasan (Kurikulum for academic purposes and Koko because I was Ketua Rumah Sukan) and ikut cakap doctor (MC seminggu) when I started bleeding masa second pregnancy although saya berdegil nak kerja jugak sebab byk kerja dok tunggu kat skola. I'll always remember what the doctor said, "Saya bagi MC. Ikut awak kalau nak kerja jugak. Tapi awak kena fikir. Sayang kerja lebih atau sayang baby?" That sentence reminded me about what happened a few months ago. Fuh. Tak sanggup. And I became the good girl yang bedridden kat rumah tunggu je awak balik kerja. Hee. Imma good wife! And am gonna be a great mother! 


7th December 2015.

Celebrating my birthday alone on our bed. Wish FiZi had applied for leave today and spent the day with his wife. Your presence means a lot, sayang. Even if it's just cuddling in bed all day long. But I get it. Kalau tak g kerja, lagi laaa stress phone awak asyik dok bunyi sebab orang carik (I know this because this had happened plenty of times when you called in sick and memang tak larat nak g kerja). Haha. Takpelah. Nanti balik, nak birthday card please! (Hope you read this before coming home.)

And so, I googled this.

But most of em require me to use the car and go somewhere.
Huwaaa. Cannot lorhhh.


29th December 2015.

Mama left us 6 years ago. Al-fatihah.

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